This 5 star cleanliness rating which was posted on the wall of a hospital in March 2025 does not expire for a whole year. If only I could have one of these certificates in my house. Imagine being certified as five star clean for 365 days! Alas nobody would believe the certificate if they came into my kitchen. I don't think I would have been granted five stars for a day, never mind a year.

Keeping clean isn't as easy as we'd like. 

In the Bible Psalm 51  reads  "Create in me a clean heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." When we ask God to forgive us and clean us he does an absolutely thorough job. The problem seems to be that we easily pick up dirt. This is where God steps in to renew our certificate of cleanliness. He does it as often as we ask him and there is no expiry date on his forgiveness.

Hand dryer

I seem to only be able to get hand dryers to work when I pass them with my large bottom rather than when I place my hands under them in the conventional way. That's why when I saw this large dryer which you placed your hands inside, I was pleased someone had solved my difficulty.

I was disappointed when I discovered it was a waste paper bin.

Wet suit

I bought myself a wet suit ready to go to a Norfolk beach in September. It arrived in the post today and I was keen to try it on before I set off for work. After much wriggling and writhing, I maneuvered myself into the tight fitting, waterproof, heat retaining garment and zipped it up with the ingenious chord attached to the zip fastener. So far so good. What I had not considered was the difficulty I would have removing the suit which hampered my movements sufficiently to make reaching the dangling chord problematic. At length I retrieved the device and pulled hard. Nothing happened except a slight tightening of the snug collar round my throat. I renewed my resolve and pulled again. Still nothing. I gave the matter some thought. Should I go to work in the wet suit or should I knock on the neighbour's house and ask them to release me. My flushed face gave evidence of the heat retaining properties of the wet suit and the lack of undergarments convinced me not to enlist the help of  the old gentleman next door which may have resulted in more than one flushed face. Some time later I figured out that a small velcro tab which had stuck itself shut across the zip fastener, was impeding my exit. I was almost an hour late for work.

There's a BIble verse that talks about  wearing a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Getting out of despair can sometimes prove more difficult than getting into it and more challenging than we hoped.  I've found that there is a good way to do it and it doesn't require any embarrassment. Trusting Jesus with my life has given me a way out of being trapped in a life that is restrictive, uncomfortable and inconvenient. 

 

 

Wrong house

On holiday in Ireland we arrived at a lovely large house where we were to stay overnight. We followed the circular drive round to the back of the house unloaded our cases and drove out to explore the town for the evening. When we returned darkness had fallen. We followed the circular drive round to the back of the house to discover that while we were out at the pub, the owners had built a large conservatory which blocked the driveway. The host appeared at the conservatory door looking almost as puzzled as we did.

"Hello again" I shouted cheerily, "We're back." The man, who was in his pyjamas, informed us that we were at the wrong house. I reversed sheepishly out of the non-circular drive and set off in search of the right house. 

In the Bible Jesus talked to his friends about not being anxious. He explained that he was preparing a mansion, a place, for each of us and he was going to take us there to enjoy eternity with him. His friends weren't too sure how they would get there, but Jesus explained that he was "The Way." I'm glad finding the right destination in eternity is easier than finding the right destination in Ireland.

Christmas isn't a wash-out.

This year I put up a Christmas decoration in my front garden. I made it from some old laminated chipboard. I carefully painted Mary in her traditional blue outfit (Wilko’s Ocean Spray) and Jesus wrapped in swaddling bands using brilliant white gloss (Wickes) I looked for a three-quarters used tin of something in green for Joseph’s cloak but nowhere amongst the 23 almost empty paint tins I’ve saved for touch-up jobs, was there a suitable shade. I eventually decided I could mix Mary’s blue with some yellow poster paint. Moments later Joseph had a green coat. An hour later it rained and Joseph had a brown laminated wood grain coat. Jesus remained strong.
This year hasn’t been one of the happiest I’ve had but it hasn’t been a total washout. Despite the sadness, Jesus has remained strong.
At the base of my model I have the word ‘joy’ and at the base of my life the same word rings out. I believe it is possible to still have joy even when some of life’s colours fade. The old carol talks about the coming of the Saviour being tidings of comfort and joy. This year I have known the Saviour bring both into my life.

When should you put up/take down the tree?

I put my Christmas tree up on December 5th. You have to slot all the little colour coded branches into the little numbered slots which don't correspond to the colours at all. It's a painstaking business even before you start decorating it.
Because my tree goes in the corner of the room I usually don't add the branches round the back, instead I put them between the branches already fixed in place at the front in order to give the tree some fullness. Occasionally I fasten these with parcel ties but when I get fed up I just balance them. I add the lights next and use a net because it's easier. and remember that if you are using a light net, you needed to put the tinsel on first. Finally I hang baubles and scented angels who no longer smell. This year having completed my task some two and a half hours after beginning it, I got the vacuum cleaner out to hoover up the hundreds of green bits which had dropped from the synthetic tree. It's quite a good vacuum cleaner so when I ran over the wire to the lights, it sucked it up and began wrapping it round the rotating brushes. I tried to stamp on the off lever but only managed to hit the handle release and lie the hoover flat on the floor where it continued to wrap the wire round its spinning brushes. By the time I had managed to stand on the off switch, the tree was no longer up and the lights were no longer on.
It made me reflect on how much Christmas sucks people's resources and topples their ideals. 
It's not what's supposed to happen at Christmas but if you get the true meaning all tangled up in the whirr and noise of trying to keep things organised, I'm afraid it's a likely consequence. 
The first Christmas wasn't tidy. There was no room to stay in and no cot to sleep in. The floor was probably a mess and quite likely worse things than plastic green bits were strewn across it. But the thing about Christmas is that light came down. Not by accident, but very deliberately. Jesus is the light of the world, he came down to earth to untangle the mess we're in. I love Christmas even when I take my tree down as soon as I've put it up. I know the light of the world has shone in my heart and it means I understand the happiness of Christmas every day of the year.

A recipe for disaster.

How come when you put steak mince, mushrooms, peppers, leeks, aubergines, cinnamon, black pepper, salt, pasta twists and home made white sauce into a dish, the finished product tastes of nothing? The sauce just sat on top and formed a thick skin which you had to peel back to reveal the slightly undercooked pasta and oily tasteless base.

It got me thinking about how you can cram  a whole load of things into your life and still feel as if it's a bit tasteless with a tough skin.

I didn't follow a recipe for my new dish, I just made it up as I went along and expected that because what was in it was good, it would be fine, If I'd had some helpful instructions for the best use of the ingredients maybe it would have been less disappointing. In life I've discovered that if I follow the instructions God gives for a fulfilled existence, I enjoy it more. 

Ritz tips

Tea at the Ritz is a marvelous experience. I was given my small birthday cake in a huge carry home box, large enough for a big rabbit or average cat. The waiter kindly added several more exquisite cakes because I said it seemed a shame to waste such a large box on just one.  
After carefully carrying the unwieldy box across London, I entered the Houses of Parliament to listen to the King's speech debate. I placed my splendid box in the grey security tray whereupon the security lady turned it on its side and squashed it down so it would fit through the scanner. My horrified reaction echoed round Parliament square. Not since King Alfred had anyone lamented so loudly over their cakes.

It's sad when something precious is ruined by carelessness. I think in life it happens more often than it should. Christmas is the time when God sent his son to deal with that exact problem. We are precious, but I dare say most of us have encountered things that have tipped us and squashed us and challenged our security. I believe Jesus came to restore us to our original exquisite self, to put us upright, to rejuvenate us and to make us secure. Happy Christmas.

"Why don't you come on over Caroline?"

At a wedding last week we were singing our hearts out to all the classic songs people prance about to at the evening party. Unaccustomed to such events and a tea-teetotaler, I was determined not to be labelled that most awful of persons - "a partypooper." Standing awkwardly on the dance floor in a pair of high heels now welded to my feet after 7 hours of gradual swelling, I joined in loudly with the well known song by the Zutons, made famous more recently by Amy Whinehouse and Mark Ronson. That morning I had been listening to the celebrations as England lionesses scraped their way through to the quarter finals of the women's world cup and somewhere in my subconscious, two songs became muddled. Fortunately in the raucous cacophony of a well oiled group, my new invitation for Caroline to come over rather than Valerie went largely unnoticed.

I was reminded of a verse in Exodus where God and Moses are having a discussion about rescuing people. God tells Moses,  "I will do what you have said because you have gained my trust and blessing and I know you by name."  I'm really confident that God doesn't get me mixed up with some other woman when he determines to bless me.

Short arms

 I took a rowing boat out on the lake at Blenheim Palace last week. The oars were locked in place so they didn't float away when some inept oarsman let go of them. This is a great idea providing the person rowing the boat has arms long enough to reach the oars. My rowing action is not very professional at the best of times but when I had to hold my arms out straight to the sides and then pull a pair of heavy wooden poles through windswept water I was struggling a bit. To add to the problem, my short legs couldn't reach the end of the boat and there was no adjustable footboard to brace my legs against. We did eventually make some progress through the water but short arms and legs proved less than ideal for the task.

There's a verse in Isaiah 58 that reads, "The Lord's arm is not too short to save and his ear is not too deaf to hear."  Sitting in that rowing boat I had a new appreciation of the need for suitable length arms. If you're struggling a bit with some rough patches, you can be sure that God's arm is long enough to reach you and strong enough lift you. He will hear when you call. In the words of Psalm 40,, "He lifted me out of the pit of death, out of the mud and the filth. He set my feet on a solid rock and steadied my legs." 

Shoe shine

 Hurrying out, I noticed that my black leather shoes looked a bit dull. Usually I would use wax polish with a "putter-on" brush and shine the wax with "polisher" brush. There was no time for this age old and effective method so I grabbed the liquid polish. It turns out  that the small floral patterns on the shoes are not just surface decoration but small perforations in the leather. Black liquid polish doesn't wash off your fingers or your feet as quickly as you would hope.  

I was reminded of a Bible verse in Haggai, " You have planted much, but gather little, you eat but there is not enough to fill you, you drink but are still thirsty, you put on clothes but no one is  warm enough, you earn money but put it in a bag with holes."  At the end of the chapter God explains that because he is with the people who feel like this, things can improve.

I discovered that because I didn't think my shoe-shining method through, it messed things up. I reckon that evaluating our priorities including considering the existence of a God who cares about us and doesn't want things to be spoiled or inadequate, would be beneficial to our productivity and ultimately make improvements that would make us less dull and less messed up.

Unsuitable

 

This week my husband needed a suit for my Mum's funeral. He has lost 5 stones in weight recently so his old suits are too big. I found one that was dark enough to serve the purpose and painstakingly altered the waistband on the trousers to fit. As long as he kept his jacket on, the baggy backside would have been fairly well hidden.

I called the dry cleaners who wanted £18 to clean the suit. I decided I would just give it a good steam clean myself and that would freshen it up.

I thoroughly rinsed the steam mop reservoir and laid the suit out ready for the cleaning procedure.

It was a few moments before the bleach in the tube between the reservoir and the steam outlet made contact with the suit jacket and the spots didn't actually go orange until I'd steamed the entire garment. My husband was still confident he could wear the suit at the graveside. I was less convinced.