Equilibrium

Last week I lost my balance during a game of Capture the Flag. Apart from losing the sock dangling from my pocket, which represented my life for the purposes of the game, I lost a little bit of my dignity. As I don't have a lot of that, it was notable. I hobbled back to my cabin, applied cold water, then continued in my attempts to capture the flag.
Another thing that happened last week is that my latest reading glasses became flexible and lost their balance. I can readjust them again but they aren't reliable because they have come loose.
Interestingly, before these two events happened I was thinking about equilibrium because of my deodorant. I had bought some of those compact cans which possibly emit less CF gasses, and also I suspect, despite claims to the contrary, less deodorant. I squirted Dove under my left arm and CF gas under my right arm. Squirt as I might, no more deodorant was escaping with the rushing pressurised air. I picked up a compact Vaseline canister, which I have never previously used but was on special offer, and completed my deodorising activity. Somehow I felt out of sync. My armpits had different fragrances. both pleasant, but not matching. I didn't have time to start over so I left the room feeling strangely unbalanced.
Life can throw us off balance for many reasons, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it messes with the way we see things, sometimes we just feel 'cockeyed'. I have found a verse in the Bible really helpful at such times so allow me to share it with you. It's found in 1 Peter 5 verse 10. I like it best in the old fashioned King James version but it's good in modern versions too. "But the God of all grace, who has called us to his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that you have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you."
It was my daily reading the morning I miscarried a child and as I've discovered through my whole life, God's Word is true.

 

Biting off more than you can chew.

Getting out of my car in the health club car park yesterday, I noticed that on the back seat was a chocolate orange that I had not given away to its intended recipient. As I was about to burn off 37 calories by swimming 40 lengths of the pool, I decided I would tap and unwrap the confection and eat a couple of segments. It was a very cold day. I tapped the orange on the centre of the steering wheel and unwrapped it. It transpires that a steering wheel centre is not a 'tapworthy' surface. The chocolate orange remained stubbornly together. I shoved my cold fingers between two slices and prized them apart. The orange was now in one large block of seventeen and one small block of three segments. I put the  three joined segments in my mouth. They were surprisingly sharp, surprisingly large and surprisingly cold.
What made this worse, was that I had been to the dentist only an hour before and had a filling. I don't have a needle if I can help it because when I do, I turn into a quivering wreck and  cry uncontrollably for half an hour. Instead, I grip the arms of the dentist chair, brace myself against the pain of the drill boring down into an unanaethsetised nerve and try not to scream. Attempting to maneuver three solid chocolate segments without touching one side of my mouth illustrated for me the saying, "biting off more than you can chew." I headed for the door of the health club trying not to slaver down my chin and coat or disgorge the contents of my mouth onto the path. The automatic doors let me in and I wished they hadn't. I needed to stand for quite some time ruminating whilst the girl on the desk watched and waited. I suppose many of us have at some time metaphorically bitten off more than we can chew. May I give you two pieces of advice. Firstly, keep it metaphorical,especially if you've just a had a filling, and secondly, take smaller bites.

Blower will lift

Yesterday I had my car washed. I don't like car washes. I feel very afraid in a car wash. I once drove my brother's Mazda into a car wash and the aerial got caught in the overhead brush. The aerial was welded to the roof of the car but after six minutes of the car wash lifting the car in the air and waving it about, it finally ripped loose. I screamed for help and blasted the horn but nobody came. It has left me scarred.
It hasn't quite left me scarred enough to hand wash my car in the middle of winter, so I paid my £1.99 and in a moment of unguarded generosity gave the man a £2 coin and told him to keep the change. I sat rigid apart from repeatedly checking   that the ignition was off and the keys were in and I had engaged neutral and closed the windows. The brushes knocked the nearside wing mirror askew which convinced me they were going to crash through the passenger window. Having survived the bright blue monstrous brushes, I encountered the blower, emblazoned with its plea for faith.
"Please do not brake. Blower will lift." This particular blower has been programmed to tease the occupants of every newly clean car. It lifts at the very last second, ascends imperceptibly slowly and then drops - just a fraction, but enough to make you wince in your seat, and bob your head down. It does this twice during your journey of faith. You then almost arrive at the "Drive off when your windscreen is level with this sign" notice. Your windscreen is always six centimetres shy of the notice when the drive belt stops, but if you don't drive off when your windscreen is not quite level with this sign you will be there a very long time. Strangely enough, my expedition in the car wash made me think of my dear friend who has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. I want a sign that says, "Please do not break, tumour will disappear." Up to now, I haven't got one. So what happens to a person of faith when the answer they hoped for doesn't come?  I remain a person of faith. If there is no God, my friend still has a brain tumour and she and her family and friends have to face that reality without hope. If there is a God and, as I believe, he has sent his Son to give us eternal life; whatever the outcome for my friend, the barrier has lifted and a bright and eternal life awaits her. If God chooses to take the tumour away this side of heaven I will be thrilled, if he doesn't I will be very sad but my faith in a God who built a universe around us to bring us joy, and who sent his Son to make sure we can live joyfully eternally, will keep us strong. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."  Trusting in God doesn't mean we wont see evil, it means we wont fear evil. God is with my friend who is walking through a shadowy valley. The monster wont get us. God has lifted the barrier and we will come out clean,bright and with him forever.

The joy of 'Click and Collect'

'Click and Collect' seems like a marvelous idea. I used it at Christmas. I know how to click, I just completely forgot to collect. However, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. (whatever that might mean.)
I did eventually go and collect, except I didn't actually collect when I went. I had parted with £26.24 for a coat which I had no recollection of ordering. On boxing day, my daughter wondered if I had changed my mind about getting her a coat for Christmas.
I asked which coat. She reminded me I had clicked and was going to collect. After ten days, the company decide you are not going to collect so they return your item to their warehouse and eventually your money to your account (you hope) I went onto my click and collect information and the company had not returned the coat to the warehouse, it was still "awaiting collection in store". I went to collect it so I could immediately return it and receive a full refund in person. An assistant gave me the coat all wrapped up in its grey plastic packet. A more experienced assistant said I couldn't have the coat and receive a full refund because ten days were up and the coat would be returned to the warehouse. Me and the less experienced assistant looked at the grey un-returned, uncollected package on the desk in front of us. I explained that my account stated the coat was still awaiting collection at the store and here I was collecting it. The experienced lady clicked on my account and sure enough I was telling the truth. I had done the click bit right and although I was late, here I was doing the collect bit. I didn't want the coat any more because my daughter had already done her own clicking and collecting and got the self same coat for £18.00 in the sale. (That's the ill wind I mentioned) If I received a refund at the point of collection and the system recorded that I had not collected the coat, they might refund me at the point of the click as well as at the point of collection and that would never do. By now I was somewhat confused. I left the store with only the clicking in tact, Hopefully the system will rectify my account.

I think quite a lot of people click on Christmas but don't ever collect it. It's still in a package in a stable. The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus. It's all there, it's paid for, you can have it. God wont send it back to the warehouse, you can collect it any time. How about it?

Why are lights that flash off and on and off in random epilepsy inducing sequences, called fairy lights?

Who ever saw a fairy using lights? Come to that who ever saw a fairy?

Angels - I can vouch for there being angels, but fairies?

Warmest greetings? Not sure what they are. I had mulled berry non alcoholic punch the other day, it was tepid and horrible. Maybe that was a warmest greeting - if so you can keep it.

Is it just when you get older that you become disappointed in things because they don't live up to your expectations or memories? One thing that lives up to both my expectations and memories, is the Christmas story.  I have warmest memories about my first part in a Christmas play when I was six. I had the inauspicious line "Come children." I delivered it in my best Manchester accent. I was in Lewisham, South East London at the time and it brought the house down.

The first Christmas brought joy to shepherds and angels and wise men and people of the royal line who had almost forgotten their genealogy.

This Christmas brings joy to me. Because Jesus came, I have rediscovered my royal lineage. I was designed to be the child of a king, a child of God, and I have discovered that I feature on the royal role call because Jesus came to earth and died to forgive me of the things that might have had me crossed off the list.

There were no flashing lights and no particular warm feelings inside. I believed in Jesus. I said I was sorry for my sin, I found God and I discovered life. May I recommend the truth of the Christmas story for lighting up your Christmas.

Wrapping Presents

Last year I asked someone to please invent spray on wrapping paper. Up to now I have not heard from anyone on the subject which is somewhat disappointing as it means I will have to wrap my presents in the traditional paper wrapping manner. I have discovered that cheap wrapping paper is a false economy. I discovered that years ago, but I continued to hope that paper is getting stronger and cheap wrapping paper this year would not tear every time a corner of anything touched it. My hopes are dashed.

I understand why people use gift bags but forgive me when I say - it does seem to be cheating.
I also bought some stick on labels this year. They are bright red and you can't write on them. Everyone in my family will know that the gifts are from someone and to someone but the rest will remain a mystery unless I can find my overhead projector pens. Sticky tape dispensers are a wonderful idea but the centre spindle of mine has snapped off. I have replaced it with a short pencil, sharpened at both ends but it seems to lack the robustness that I require when tearing off the tape in a frantic hurry before my package bursts open.
I also regularly slice my fingers on the serations of the tape dispenser. If anyone wanted to find out who had sent the present which is bearing an anonymous label there would be a great deal of DNA evidence on the parcel - hair, skin, blood, and possibly occasionally saliva.
God sent us a gift the first Christmas. He wrapped his son in flesh and sent him to earth as the Saviour of the world. Later there was a great deal of DNA evidence to show how much he loved us. He hung on a cross with his hair pulled out, his skin lacerated and bleeding, soldiers' spittle in his face. It was the gift of selfless love and eternal life. It's got your name on it in indelible mercy. Maybe you'd like to accept it?

Turkey

I’m a turkey. You’ve no idea what it’s like being a turkey have you?

I’ve escaped this year, but I’m not likely to get away with it two years running.

Why turkey? Why not cauliflower cheese, that way nobody gets hurt.

I don’t like Christmas, it’s too painful. Sixteen of my mates last Thursday, all hanging there by their feet, eyes rolled back into their heads, beaks still and silent.

Whoever started Christmas must have had no idea about suffering, they mustn’t have known what it’s like to sacrifice your life for people who just think it’s all a big laugh and an excuse to get drunk

Audio description

Tonight I accidentally discovered AD on my TV. It was really irritating as I had no idea what it was, why it was on or how I could switch it off. "Lady Edith looks downcast" "The large cast iron gate is closed by a gate man" "Mrs Patmore is sobbing at the kitchen table"
It is such a blessing to be able to see.
On Thursday a dear friend took me for a pedicure. I sat in a massage chair, I had no idea what it was, why it was on or how I could switch it off. "Woman spills coffee down shirt"
It is such a blessing to be able to walk.
We take so many things for granted.
Pondering the plight of slum children in an orphanage in India whilst sitting in a massage chair in a beautiful salon with hot towels being pressed on my freshly soaked feet, seemed perfectly acceptable to me. My friend had no idea how to switch me off. The woman sitting between us didn't appreciate me ruining her afternoon by mentioning those less fortunate than myself.
It's such a blessing to have health care and transport and a bed and central heating and computers and clothes and Nandos and so many other things.
This week in particular I was thankful to have friends and family. "Blogger becomes emotional"

No Mess

Last week I decided to redecorate my bathroom which included reviving the grouting between the tiles in the shower. I went to Wickes and was shown to the correct section by a young man who stood dutifully beside me while I squinted to read the tiny printing on each of the grout refreshing products. I don't think he's stood beside many people who read that much small print that slowly for that long. He shuffled from one foot to the other and said nothing. I eventually chose an anti-mould, easy application. no mess tube.
It didn't do exactly what it said on the tube. The applicator was quite clever, it was like one of those shoe polish applicators with a sponge on the end of the tube. Shoe polish applicators never claim to be "no mess," as the manufacturers must have realised that most people will squeeze the tube so hard the black liquid wax will squirt out of the little hole with alacrity, avoiding both the little hard sponge and the shoe and landing on your clothing and the local floor. Not enough people have yet complained about the no mess grout revive. One tube will revive all but two lines of grout which will mean you need to buy a second tube to complete the task.
Psalm 119 verse 50 talks about God's promise reviving us and comforting us in our troubles. A modern version of the Bible renders it thus: "When I am hurting, I find comfort in your promise that leads to life."
I wish I could tell you God's promise to you was a no mess promise but it wasn't. God wants you to have comfort in your hurts and he wants you to have life, in order to achieve that, his son Jesus was crucified and it was messy. However, Jesus carried the mess and came alive again so that you can be revived and alive and when you're squeezed you won't fall apart.

Ink saving mode

I entered next year's calendar dates on a website with a customiseable template and chose "ink saving mode" to print the twelve pages. It worked marvelously well. I didn't use any ink at all. Alas the twelve blank pages were less than helpful when planning my events in 2015.
I recently went out to breakfast with my husband at a local restaurant. The advert said, "Unlimited breakfast £4.99" The waiter asked me how many mushrooms I would like. I said "Loads."  His response... "I can do you three." Since when was three, unlimited?  Last week I saw a five year old dragging his feet when his father clearly wanted to hurry home, The dad shouted, "I 'an't gorrall day," the boy responded "I 'ave."   So I surmise that we have different perceptions about how we measure things like, ink, mushrooms and time. I've found something else that's difficult to measure and I discover I'm not alone. The Apostle Paul  wrote to people in Ephesus about the love of Jesus and although he gave vague dimensions he concluded that it's too great to fully understand. Nevertheless his prayer for people was this "May Christ make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. May your roots grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, how wide, how long, how high, how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to fully understand." That is also my prayer for everyone who reads this.

Puzzling questions

Why do historians on Radio 4 always use the present tense? Why are scientists amazed when a chimpanzee figures out that moss is more absorbent than leaves and tells his mates? Why did a man called Zeb Sykes present an item on donkeys breeding with zebras? Why do we need paint that is so black that when you paint a room with it you get totally lost when you go in? Why does the shipping forecast still hold such fascination? Why are my feet always cold? Why does the phone stop just as you get to it? What is a side dish with 13 letters, possibly beginning with G? Why is it that when you drop a mug you don't like it bounces and doesn't even chip, but when you drop a mug you really like it smashes into smithereens. Why can you only have smithereens and not one smithereen?  Why can't you have one sud?
Life is so full of questions. Some weeks, life seems to be more puzzling than others.
If you have answers to any of the above questions please feel free to message me on the comment section of the blog. Thank you.

Murphy's Law.

Earlier this week I needed to move two boxes from a high shelf . One of them contained a large soft toy dog, the other held 3,427 pieces of playmobile. Guess which one I failed to catch when they slipped from my grasp and headed for the floor. Said floor is covered with wooden laminate. The box without the dog in it, hit the floor with some force  and spread its contents in almost every nook and cranny. This included a sheepskin rug in which the smallest items embedded themselves in an attempt to conceal their whereabouts. The dog stayed snugly in the other box, safely held in my arms.
The mathematical equation for this is:

This is Murphy's law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." 

Colonel John Paul Stapp who was a doctor for the United States Air Force was the person who first referred to Murphy's law. He had offered to test how much force a person could take in a plane crash so he climbed into a rocket sled and sped down a half mile track at 200 miles an hour, coming to an abrupt stop at the end.  After several months, an engineer called Edward Murphy arrived at the test site with some sensors which could accurately record the G-force when Stapp came to his sudden stop. On the first run, the sensors registered a reading of zero. They could be connected in one of two ways and according to Murphy, the technician had attached them all the wrong way round. Murphy was heard to say, "If there are two ways to do something and one of them will end in disaster, he'll do it that way." Stapp was interviewed after the failed attempt to use the sensors and he attributed the research team's good safety record to their knowledge of Murphy's Law. "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong." The phrase stuck.

I suppose the Biblical character Job was thinking a similar thing when he said, " Man is born to trouble as surely as the sparks fly upward."