Thank you for using the fast lane

Yesterday I made these wonderful gingerbread princess biscuits for our Mum and toddler group. The Mum and toddler group is committed to excellence so the princesses are still on my kitchen table and a pack of 12 iced doughnuts from Asda are being consumed by the Mums and tots.  
I was in a hurry to buy the doughnuts this morning because ideally they should be in the kitchen by  9.30.a.m. I passed the reduced section on my way to the doughnuts so I picked up two peppered steaks, four pork chops, a small beef joint  and some minced beef. Collecting the tray of doughnuts I headed for the checkout. On route I grabbed a couple of pillows which were on special offer. two pillowcases to go on them, a bunch of bananas  and four baking potatoes.
I glanced at the queues and in yet another moment of stupidity went to the 'fast lane'. One pillow case came up as 1.99 and the other at 5.00 so I cancelled the second pack. I then had to wait for assistance. I asked the lady not to leave me but she smiled and said, "You'll be fine." I swiped the minced beef and put it in the bagging area. "Please bag your item" the machine yelled. "I did bag my item" I yelled back. Several heads turned. "Please wait for assistance" replied the machine and flashed its red light for the world to see. I implored the assistant not to leave me but she smiled and said, "You'll be fine"
"I wont, these machines have detectors fitted which know I'm coming" I explained. I swiped the peppered steak and bagged it. The bar code for the pillows was positioned exactly in the middle of the packaging so I squeezed the pillows down and tried to convince the machine that I was buying pillows. "There is a problem with this item. Please wait for assistance."
"It's not you, sometimes large items are difficult." the assistant reassured me when she returned.
"Yes I am." I said. "Please don't leave me." She smiled and walked away. I scanned the doughnuts and bagged them. The potatoes were next. "There is a problem with the pricing of this item. Please wait for assistance." Four baking potatoes for £1. How problematic can that be?  "It's not you," said the assistant, "there is sometimes a problem with the pricing of packs of vegetables." By now even she was beginning to think it actually was me. The bananas went through without comment but the reduced beef was too much for the device to handle. "Please place the item in the bagging area." I took the meat out of the bag and dropped it in from a great height in order to convince the scales that I wasn't stealing meat. "Do you not want to bag this item?" the machine inquired. I got up really close to the screen and in my most menacing voice I said, "I already bagged the beef." The red light began to flash. Two assistants came over. "I bagged the beef" I said defensively. "It's not your fault" the new assistant said. The other one said nothing, she just tapped her magic code into the machine. I paid for the items. The machine wished me farewell and with what I'm sure was a smirk, said, "Thank you for using the fast lane."